The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai.



A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position: 1. a Japanese Samurai, 2. a Chinese Samurai and 3. a Jewish Samurai.



The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.



The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.



The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"



The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.



The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.



The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"



Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai.



The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.



The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"



The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for heads, and No, for tails.



Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.



During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.



The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.



"I finished the exam in half an hour," she said, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Dear Walter:



I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching t.v. as ususal. I hadn't gone more than 100 yards down the road when my engine conked outand the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.



When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear in high-heel shooes, and he was wearing my make-up.



I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.



He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?



Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Lusk







Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. IF it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.



Walter.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.



"What are you doing?" she asked.



"Hunting flies," he responded.



"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.



"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"



"Three were on a beer can; two were on the phone," he responded.

You may not have known this, but a lot of inanimate objects actually have a gender. That's right, they are either male or female. Following is a list of examples, see if you can guess which are male and which female BEFORE you look at the answers! Hehehe!







1. Freezer Bags.

2. Photocopiers.

3. Tires.

4. Hot Air Balloons.

5. Sponges.

6. Web Pages.

7. Trains.

8. Egg Timers.

9. Hammers.

10. Remote Controls.







Think about them carefully before proceeding to the answers.







Answers:







1. Freezer Bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.





2. Photocopiers are female, because once turnd off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.





3. Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.





4. Hot Air Balloons are also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their butt.





5. Sponges are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.





6. Web Pages are female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently being hit on.





7. Trains are definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.





8. Egg Timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.





9. Hammers are male, because, in the last 5,000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.





10. The Remote Control is female. Ha! You probably thought they would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keep trying.

The follow science quiz questions were asked by real science teachers. The answers were given by real students who obviously were NOT listening to their real science teachers for several weeks preceding the quiz.





Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.



Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.



Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.



Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.



Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.



Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, have been growing in the woods for decades, when a new tree starts growing between them.



The beech says to the birch, "That youngster down there is too far away for me to see clearly, is it a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"



The birch responds that the young tree is too far away from it as well. "I cannot tell what it is," he said.



Just then a woodpecker lands on the young tree.



The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"



The bird agrees and pecks away at the small tree. Addressing the tall trees, the bird says, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.



"It is, however, the finest piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."



2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as recommended in that time management course you sent me to."



3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time."



4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."



5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."



6. "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."



7. "The coffee machine is broken..."



8. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."



9. "...in Jesus' name. Amen."

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.



While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around it were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you?" "We've been waiting for you." "Good to see you."



When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"



"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.



"Which word?" the woman asked.



"Love."



The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.



About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Pearly Gates for him that day.



While the woman was guarding the Gates, her former husband arrived.



"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"



"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her former husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"



"You have to spell a word," his former woman told him.



"Which word?"



"Czechoslovakia," she replied.

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial Insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"



The farmer then leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Artificial Insemination man arrives.



Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"



Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"



"By the nail over it's stall," explains Amy.



Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"



"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:





1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon







Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:



1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate







Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk:



1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.



Female -- Any part under a car's hood.



Male ---- The strap fastener on a woman's bra.





2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.



Female -- Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.



Male ---- Playing football without a cup.





3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.



Female -- The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.



Male ---- Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.





4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.



Female -- A desire to get married and raise a family.



Male ---- Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.





5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.



Female -- A good movie, concert, play or book.



Male ---- Anything that can be done while drinking beer.





6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.



Female -- An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.



Male ---- A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.





7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.



Female -- The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.



Male ---- Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.





8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.



Female -- A device for changing from one TV channel to another.



Male ---- A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile. "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.



"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.



"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.



The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good-looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."



Then he began to worry. He had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.



On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."



The woman looked utterly disgusted and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."